Eight more teams than ever before get a chance to chase a "national championship" in the college football postseason this year. After a growing fixation to crown a "real national champion" became a reality with the BCS National Championship Game in 1998, the inevitable dam has since burst as a playoff expanded from 2 to 4, and now 4 to 12. It's come with massive consequences, such as turning the unique, grand tradition of bowl season into a trivial sideshow (maybe it's time to trade in the giant Pop-Tarts and put real money on the line).
A season that in past decades may have ended with a nice trip to the Holiday Bowl or the Alamo Bowl? Now, that team's fanbase believes they have a legit claim to being the top team in the country.
When 12 is the cutoff, seemingly everybody might be great.
It's time for a reality check. This first expanded playoff season, seemingly everybody sucks (except one).
#2 Georgia (11-2)
This isn't the dominant Georgia of recent memory. Two losses, and their last two victories of the season came in overtime, including a ludicrous 8-OT home win against 7-5 Georgia Tech. And let's not forget the Bulldogs receive the luxurious SEC-exclusive benefit of only playing eight conference games -- instead of nine like everyone else -- which for unknown reasons (but if they were known, they would certainly defy logic) is still allowed in an era when comparing schedules is an obsession on par with Hannibal Lecter's desire for human flesh.
Perhaps most importantly, Georgia's starting quarterback, a senior and top NFL prospect, is out with injury for the playoff. Georgia will chase the natty with a sophomore QB that has never started a game.
#3 Boise State (12-1)
Well, they're not really number three. They finished ranked nine, which is still far too high for a Mountain West team that was favored by multiple touchdowns in almost every game.
Yes, they only lost to Oregon (13-0) by a field goal, but that was the second game of the year when the Ducks were still sputtering (the previous week Oregon beat Idaho by just 10). Yes, they have the best running back in the country. Too bad he can't play every position.
But the Broncos very well could make the semifinal, or even the championship game, because everyone they on their side of the bracket also sucks.
#4 Arizona State (11-2)
Again, not really number four (they finished ranked 12). But Arizona State won the Smol 12, so they at least deserve a chance to win it all.
So you're saying there's a chance? Not really. They have a few victories against a smattering of the Smol 12's finest Top 50 teams, including a game against BYU that they tried their darnedest to let slip away, and losses to Texas Tech and Cincinnati. Meh.
It sure is miraculous how the Sun Devils and Colorado turned their programs around so quickly, after finishing last year with three and four wins, (dis)respectively. You'd think they'd been relegated to a league with lower competition or something.
#5 Texas (11-2)
The Longhorns can't even decide who to
use at quarterback. They played exactly one team that finished the
regular season ranked or had more than eight wins -- Georgia. And they
lost twice. Outside of Georgia and Texas A&M, the scheduling
gods welcomed them into the SEC by allowing them to avoid every other school that finished top nine (!) in the final
league standings: #3 Tennessee, #4 Alabama, #5 South Carolina, #7 LSU,
#8 Ole Miss, and #9 Missouri. A couple more matchups against someone with
a pulse, and it's a safe bet that sourpuss Texas fans would have been throwing a lot more water bottles on the field.
What
do you call that little limp-dick horn-head haircut Steve Sarkisian has
been rocking since failed stints at Washington and USC anyway? Can
we call it the "Sark"? Maybe if "Sark" had another meaning, Kirk
Herbstreit wouldn't be so compelled to casually throw the nickname
around 100 times per broadcast like we're all old drinking buddies.
#6 Penn State (11-2)
Another season, another year where Penn
State takes care of a bunch of doormats and then loses the couple games
on their schedule against real competition. Or you could say, another season, another year for almost
every top team in the Big 10, a league that is historically -- and
especially presently -- more top heavy than if Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree had Shaq on top instead of a star.
Their
reward for a season where their most impressive (and arguably only remotely impressive) win was a home game against
Illinois? Hosting a first-round playoff matchup against SMU -- a team that definitely sucks.
#7 Notre Dame (11-1)
Hoo boy, where to begin. How about Notre Dame's lone opponent that finished the season ranked was Army? (And why is Army ranked? I guess everyone really, really sucks). How about eight straight home games, so that from September 21 until November 30, Notre Dame did not have a road game. And even more bonkers, their road game on September 14 was against Purdue, so after a road game to open the season on August 31, Notre Dame did not leave the state of Indiana again until November 30 at USC. And, of course, they did not have to play in a conference championship game.
For running this gauntlet of mediocrity, the "Fighting" Irish were gifted a first-round playoff matchup against Indiana, a predictably easy victory (yeah, this was written after the first round started, so what?) -- because, as we will get to, Indiana also, definitely sucks. And where did this game take place? You guessed it, Notre Dame Stadium, The House That Patsies Built. That makes 10 home games in one season of college football. We can safely assume that's a modern day record.
Year in, year out, Notre Dame makes a mockery of the competitive nature of the sport, as they are allowed to play without conference affiliation and schedule whoever (and wherever) they want. Historic rivalries seem to be more important when the opponents are easy wins (Army, Navy), but not so much if they might be a tough game (Michigan). Good thing Northern Illinois isn't considered a rival. They can stop scheduling them and nobody will even protest.
#8 Ohio State (10-2)
Ryan Day is now 1-3 against Michigan, and even Ohio State's fans think the Buckeyes suck. Sure, at least they played the other top teams in the Big Ten during the regular season, but they lost two of those games and didn't make the Big Ten Championship. Their starting quarterback is an underwhelming passer with 33 career interceptions who has the most talented wide receivers in the country yet only finished Third-Team All Big Ten in a conference rife with middling quarterbacks.
#9 Tennessee (10-2)
The Vols beat Alabama, but lost against the only other top team they played (Georgia) and had a feeble non-conference slate of Chattanooga, NC State, Kent State, and UTEP (another thrilling SEC late-November classic). They didn't make their own conference championship game. Are we really to believe they can make the national championship game?
#10 Indiana (11-1)
Apparently first-year head coach Curt Cignetti took the job after checking Indiana's schedule and thinking, hmm, looks like there's 10 wins in there, despite Indiana only winning three games in 2023. There's probably 50 other teams in the country that think the same thing.
They ended up managing 11 victories against teams with a combined 41-64 record, while losing their two games against ranked opponents. The first time they even played a team that ended the year with a winning record was November 9, a 20-15 home win against Michigan; the Wolverines won their last two games to finish 7-5.
Pat yourself on the back, Hoosiers, you played a bunch of teams who suck, and you sucked a little less.
#11 SMU (11-2)
Come on, man.
The ACC sucks.
#12 Clemson (10-3)
The Tigers season seemed doomed to the obscurity of mayo buckets or some other horror, but Clemson delayed the inevitable by squeaking into the ACC conference championship game (after other top ACC teams, who suck, blew it) and then defeating lowly SMU, who, as was just covered in incredible detail, also sucks. Anyone who plays The Citadel on November 23 should be forced to visit an actual citadel and lock themselves inside until spring.
Bonus sucks (the crybabies who think they suck less and should have gotten to show 'Merica how they only kind of suck)
#13 Alabama (9-3)
Alabama lost three games, so they really have nothing to whine about except themselves. But that doesn't stop the whiniest most entitled fanbase from whining all sorts of other absurdities.
After being not included in the playoff, Alabama Athletic Director Greg "Feeling Burned" Byrne whined about their "difficult" schedule, saying, "We will need to assess how many P4 non-conference games make sense in the future to put us in the best position to participate in the CFP." Except that this season, they didn't lose a non-conference game, as they beat down a murderer's row of Western Kentucky (8-6), South Florida (6-6), Wisconsin (5-7), an an incredible mid-November drubbing of the "No-Mercy" Mercer Bears. So maybe Byrne needs to assess how many conference games Bama should play. Why not drop it to seven? Maybe six?
Now, Byrne is begging alumni for handouts and sacrifices with dark, foreboding language like he's Churchill rallying the British in 1940.
But we beat Georgia! We beat Georgia! Roll over Tide, and take your medicine. You just suck this year, like everybody else. Let's all hope you suck just as much next year, too, and for years after that.
#14 Miami (10-2)
Did anybody really want to watch Mario Cristobal fumble and bungle a high-pressure, late-game situation like a one-armed, no-thumbed man trying to eat a four-pound cheeseburger with all the fixings while dancing an Irish jig (just pause a moment and picture it). Yes, the answer is, yes -- but, alas, Miami did not make the playoff, because they suck.
Despite a surprising heist in luring Cam Ward for his final season, the Hurri-can'ts didn't even play a ranked team. They lost two of their last three games, and missed out on the ACC Championship game. Their smorgasbord of early-season close calls included a one-point victory over Atlantic Coast Conference opponent University of California Berkeley (6-7) and an overturned Hail Mary against Virginia Tech (6-6) that sure looked like a catch.
At least Miami fans can take solace in the fact that this 10-win season, driven mostly by the impressive play of Ward, will likely be the high-water mark of Cristobal's tenure.
