Lord have mercy, The King is bleating!

There’s a lot going on in the world. Emotions are running high. People are, to put it mildly, on edge.

Maybe you’ve haven’t been paying close attention to the NBA playoffs.

So let me try to put LeBron James into context, what he has been doing this postseason, building off last postseason’s epic performance, and how it should make you feel.

Imagine those fascist fucks at the Turkish embassy had greeted their protesters with showers of pink tulips, stripped naked, auctioned off their $10,000 suits, and donated the proceeds to Planned Parenthood. Imagine Sean Spicer walked to his podium wearing a clown nose, announced he was quitting, then gave everyone the finger, including himself. Imagine Voldermort followed him out, Melania in hand, and got down on his knees and apologized, even shed a tear as he did it, and they announced they were peaceably separating due to irreconcilable differences.

Okay, maybe it’s not that good. After all, this is only basketball.

But with all due respect to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the title of Greatest Player of All Time has been narrowed to a two-man race. And what once seemed inconceivable has moved to the realm of possible; LeBron James just might win that race. Even if he never wins another title.

Anyone who tells you differently is letting their preconceived notions about whatever they've decided they don’t like about The King skew their vision. Is it because he complains about foul calls? Then you must hate Chris Paul, Russell Westbrook, Kobe Bryant, Dirk Nowitzki, and pretty much every superstar in the last 30 years. Or is it because of the massive amount of media coverage? He’s the one being followed around and quoted for headlines. You’re the one clicking. Or maybe you’re still upset about The Decision?

No, just admit it. You’re jealous.

I’m not going to restate Michael Jordan’s career; game-changing, transcendent, no number of superlatives would be enough. The statistics, the accomplishments, the skill set; much will remain unrivaled in perpetuity.

LeBron has just been that good. And he, too, has his own set of accomplishments, of mind-boggling numbers, of unique abilities that no player in history can match. And the list keeps growing.

He’s not at Jordan’s level—yet. But what if he keeps going another seven seasons, even eight or nine? With the way he takes care of his body, his determination and focus, his dedication to the game, the odds seem in his favor he plays until 40, barring serious injury. That is, if he wants to, and all signs point to, hell yes, he wants to. When (if?) his athleticism, speed, and agility finally start to waiver, he can prolong his career by relying more on his tremendous intelligence, his strength, his passing and court vision, and continuing to improve his outside shot.

76ers fans, I’ll do the math for you. Joel Embiid will be 31 in eight years, have maybe a couple years left in his prime, assuming he’s stayed healthy. But on the bright side, Ben Simmons will only be 28, and you’ll probably have a whole roster full of lottery picks.

You may think that’s a joke, but don’t tell me part of the thinking behind the 76ers tanking strategy, behind the strategy of a whole host of team’s in the East, hasn’t been, “Well, we’re not going to beat this guy. There’s no sense peaking while he’s in his prime. Let’s try and wait it out.” The Cavs most recent takedown, the Boston Celtics, could fall into that category. Danny Ainge has assembled a nice roster with a lot of talent and upside, a boatload of draft picks. In the next year or two, as LeBron starts to fade, they really hit full throttle and go into win now mode, right?

Except LeBron refuses to go away. He has now terrorized the East to the tune of seven straight finals appearances, something done only once before in NBA history by half a dozen players from the Celtics dynasty of the ‘60s. Last year, he was the first player since that Celtics dynasty to make six straight finals. The year before that, he was the first since the ‘60s Celtics to make five straight finals.

With no worthy opponent on the horizon (no, Boston, Jimmy Butler and/or Carmelo Anthony isn’t gonna cut it) we can concede him at least the next two to three years to make it nine, possibly 10, in a row; a full decade of Eastern Conference dominance, matching a feat only Bill Russell from those Celtics teams ever accomplished. I don’t see him stopping there. I’m putting the over/under at 12 straight appearances in the finals, and if you want to take the under, please page me.

But let’s get real deep into this now, even if these debates are something LeBron claims he’s not interested in. There are two primary ways to break down a player’s greatness; the winning, and the numbers. Let’s start with

THE NUMBERS

To project what LeBron’s career stats might be by the time he retires is an almost impossible task, because at age 32 he still shows no signs of regression. This season, he held career highs in rebounds (8.6) and assists (8.7) while averaging as many points as he did his first season in Miami seven years ago (26) and shooting 55% from the field, all while leading the league in minutes per game.

But let’s give it a try!

To start, I’m giving him two more seasons at his numbers from this year; 26 points, 8.5 rebounds and assists, playing 72 games per season, well below his career average of 77. That takes him to age 34. Then I’m giving him two more seasons where his points and steals decrease by 10% per year, but everything else stays the same. As was evidenced from this season, it’s actually possible that as LeBron ages his assists and rebounds might increase as his scoring load decreases, but I’ll just flatline them. That takes him to age 36, where in his 18^th season he averages 20 points, 8.5 rebounds and 8.5 assists.

Written out that way, it looks a little absurd. But then you go watch a game, see his incredible level of fitness, and it feels quite likely that in four years he could continue to get rebounds and assists at his current rate while still getting 20 points a game. Last season, at age 35, Pau Gasol averaged 16.5 points, 11 rebounds and 4 assists in 72 games for the Bulls. If Pau Gasol can do it, LeBron can do it, and probably do it better. That’s not a knock on Pau Gasol. It’s just anything any basketball player can do, LeBron can probably do it better.

Then things get a little tricky, and a lot more hypothetical. But we’re talking about the potential GOAT here, and he keeps playing like it. For the next two years, his steals and blocks flatline, as I can’t see how he wouldn’t get 0.8 steals (his 2017 playoff average of 2.2 steals per game leads all players that made it out of the first round) and 0.6 blocks per game by just being on the court. There’s a 10% regression in everything else, again in 72 game seasons. At age 38, in his 20^th season, he averages 16 points, 6 assists, and 6 rebounds per game.

And I’m giving him two more seasons after that, taking him through the age of 40; his 22^nd NBA season, the most in NBA history, surpassing the previous record of 21 held by Robert Parish, Kevin Garnett, and Kevin Willis. But I’m not willing to keep regressing the numbers. I don’t see him averaging less than 16, 6, and 6. Think that’s crazy? Jordan, that GOAT ghost he’s chasing, averaged 20 points a game in his last season with the Wizards. He turned 40 that year.

It’s possible LeBron even plays past 40, maybe taking on some sort of mentorship/bench role as he molds Shaq’s grandson into a perennial All-Star, or that he manages to play in more than 72 games a year. Or it’s possible he stops a couple years before 40. It’s also possible he gets hurt, or there is a lockout, or the league goes bottoms up from greed or because all the angry polar bears come down from the Arctic, eat all the hot dogs and drink all the beer in America, and nobody wants to go to games anymore because they can’t eat hot dogs and drink beer. However, even the most hardened, stubborn LeBron hater has to agree these projections are not unreasonable.

So what do they amount to over the course of a career? In raw form, that’s 40,235 points, 11,955 rebounds, 11,709 assists, 2,292 steals, and 1,209 blocks amassed in 1,637 regular season games.

I know those numbers are pretty meaningless to most people without some perspective. Please, allow me to provide the perspective.

Right now, that would place LeBron 55^th all-time in blocks, 23rd in rebounding, 7^th in steals, 3^rd in assists, and at the top of the career scoring list. Additionally, he would be first in games played, first in made free throws, first in minutes, and likely in the top-10 for made three-pointers.

Or, to put it differently, he would have more assists than Steve Nash, more rebounds than Dennis Rodman, Patrick Ewing, or David Robinson, nearly as many steals as Scottie Pippen, more blocks than Karl Malone and Chris Webber, and more threes than Kobe Bryant—all while shattering Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s career scoring record of 38,387 points.

Additionally, though I’m not going abstract and getting into advanced stats, LeBron is currently the NBA’s all-time leader in plus/minus at 9.15, and he leads the field by a wide margin. The names on the list tell you it means something:

Source: http://www.basketball-reference.com/leaders/bpm_career.html

Of course, there’s the early start right out of high school that many of the legends of the game did not have for all the raw numbers to pile up. But wear and tear on the body is still wear and tear on the body. 1,061 regular season games (and 212 playoff games) is still 1,061 regular season games. How were Wilt Chamberlain, Oscar Robertson, Rick Barry, Bill Russell, Elgin Baylor, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, David Robinson, and Allen Iverson doing at game 1,061 of their regular season careers? They were retired.

And 14 seasons is still 14 seasons, and LeBron somehow keeps getting better. There is the two retirements from Jordan, but do you know what he was doing his 14^th season? Playing for the Wizards. In his 14^th season, Hakeem Olajuwon played only 45 games, and would never top 55 again in the regular season. Jerry West played 31 games in what would be his final year. Patrick Ewing lasted 38 games, after appearing in only 26 the season prior. Shaq managed 20 points and 9 boards in 59 games, the last season of his career he topped 20, never again averaging a double-double in a full season.

Not that the 14^th season hasn’t often been a good one for some of the greatest players of all-time. Julius Erving, in his final season, averaged 17 points, 4 rebounds, and 3 assists, and clearly had some athleticism left with 1.5 blocks and steals thrown in. Kareem averaged 22 points and 7.5 rebounds in 32 minutes, and kept going for several more years. Steve Nash double-doubled with 11 assists per game, then did it again in his 15^th and 16^th season. Jason Kidd came about as close as then seemed possible to averaging a triple double. Moses Malone averaged 19 and 10, playing 81 games for the Hawks. Kobe averaged 27 points a game and the Lakers won the title. John Stockton and Karl Malone were still running the pick and roll. Dirk Nowitzki averaged 22 points in 34 minutes. Tim Duncan, oft-praised for his longevity and justifiably so, averaged 13 points and 9 rebounds in only 28 minutes, then matched, even improved on, those numbers for four more seasons as the Spurs did an excellent job of managing his workload.

Besides the occasional rest day, LeBron has yet to need a managed workload.

And none of these players could even try to make the claim they were the best player in the league their 14th year, except for perhaps Bryant… if it weren’t for LeBron winning MVP that year. LeBron can make that case, and it’s not even close. In that, he’s already done something that’s never been done. If you’re going to argue Russell Westbrook or James Harden was better than LeBron this year, just stop reading now and go back to sleep. And would anyone be willing to bet he won’t be again next season, his 15^th? And the season after that? With each passing season, each passing game, the air becomes more and more rarefied. Take that previous list of productive 14^th seasons and slash it in half when you move up to 15, half again at 16.

Then there’s the awards and accolades.

He was just elected to his 11th All-NBA first team, tying Kobe and Karl Malone for most all-time, a record he will likely break next season. He has two Olympic gold medals, not to be a discounted factor in contributing to the game’s global growth. He’s currently tied for ninth all-time with 13 selections to the All-Star game. In two more seasons, he will be tied for third with 15, though it should be a tie for second because Kobe, with 18, made his final three All-Star games as the result of absurd fan voting. Kareem’s 19 appearances may be tough to catch, but is certainly within reach.

His four MVP awards tie him with Wilt for fourth all-time, trailing only Jordan and Russell’s five and Kareem’s six. A case could be made for several more, but the same could be said for all the aforementioned players.

On defense, his five first-team all-defense selections ranks 13^th all-time, though it is curious how he has not been selected to more. He may be the most versatile defender in NBA history.  Name another player who could effectively guard all five positions on the court. Maybe Kawhi Leonard, the recent back-to-back NBA Defensive Player of the Year recipient, comes to mind. LeBron has an inch and 30 pounds on him, easy. And we’re talking Chris Paul on the perimeter one possession, Blake Griffin in the post the next, Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol, Tony Parker and Tim Duncan. When the Cavs face the Warriors in the finals, there will likely be times LeBron guards each of their four superstars.

He is a three-time finals MVP, one in each of his three championships. He should have won a fourth in 2015 when the Cavs lost to the Warriors in six games after both Kevin Love and Kyrie Irving got hurt. Instead, it was given to Andre Iguadala, mostly as a credit to his defense on LeBron, who he held to averages of 35.8 points, 13.3 rebounds, and 8.8 assists in over 45 minutes a game, as James became the first player in NBA Finals history to lead all players in those three categories.

Perhaps LeBron’s most impressive accolade, though, is his one scoring title. It came in 2008, on a Cleveland team so devoid of offense its second leading scorer was 32-year-old Zydrunas Ilgauskas. He probably could have won a dozen scoring titles, if that was his priority. Which brings us to

THE WINNING

Cleveland’s record the final season of LeBron’s first stint was 61-21. The year after he left, they won 19 games, and failed to make the playoffs until The King’s return. When LeBron departed Miami, the Heat went from a 54-win team in the NBA Finals to a 37-win team that missed the postseason.

When people talk about winning, though, what they usually mean is playoff performances and playoff success. So with apologies for the occasional brief trip back to Numbersland, let’s look at LeBron’s playoff career, which has been even more impressive than the regular season.

First, let’s be clear; his playoff numbers are just ever-so-slightly inflated because of today’s expanded playoff format, at least if we’re talking in the last 33 years. The NBA has adhered to its current 16-team format since 1984. They expanded the first round from five to seven games (and what fan would take issue with a 3-0 mercy rule?) in 2003. LeBron has been so dominant, however, he has rarely played more than five first round games. It happened in 2006, when 21-year-old LeBron and a star-studded roster of Larry Hughes, Zydrunas Ilgauskus, and Eric Snow took out the Wizards in six games before losing in the next round. And it happened again in 2008, again against the Wizards. That’s it. He’s never lost a first round series. In 12 tries, no team has even made it to seven games against him. He’s swept his first round opponent seven times, and his current first round winning streak of 21 games is the longest such streak in NBA history. He’s swept a playoff series 11 times, the most ever.

This postseason, though John Wall and a competitive Wizards-Celtics series was entertaining at times, LeBron and the Cavs have essentially been the only thing yet (emphasis on yet) worth watching. His lone poor performance came in the Cavs’ lone loss, game three in the Eastern Conference Finals against the Celtics. That game snapped LeBron’s streak of eight straight playoff games of 30 or more points, which had tied Michael Jordan for most all-time, though he was the first player to do it over the course of one playoff run. Also in that game, his streak of 10 straight playoff games of 25 points and 50% shooting from the floor, tying Kareem for most all-time, was snapped, as was the Cavs 13-game playoff winning streak, which had tied the 1989 Lakers for longest all-time.

When Cleveland closed out Boston in five games with another massive blowout, LeBron passed Michael Jordan to become the all-time leading scorer in NBA playoff history. Jordan managed his playoff points in only 179 games, with a scoring average of 33.5 a game, way out in front of everyone else. Allen Iverson is second with 29.7 points per game. LeBron sits fifth at 28.3, a shade behind Kevin Durant. The King’s scoring average of 32.8 in playoff elimination games is the highest in league history.

It’s not just his playoff scoring that has been historic. LeBron has the most playoff games, 70, with at least 30 points, 5 rebounds, and 5 assists. Second on that list is Jordan with 51. Kobe is third with 37. Yes, he has played in 34 more games than Jordan, but that in itself is an incredible accomplishment. In a few years, he will likely reel in Derek Fisher’s (no pun intended) record of 259 playoff games played. If he keeps up his current pace, he will finish in the top five all-time in playoff blocks, and third in rebounds behind Wilt and Russell, who both averaged nearly 25 rebounds a game in their playoff careers. In points, assists, steals, threes, and games, there will be such a massive gap between him and the player in second on each list it is almost inconceivable anyone will ever approach his numbers.

In LeBron’s playoff career, the only teams in the East to escape his wrath are the ones he has played for and the Magic (whom he played once, and lost in the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals.) When you throw in his three finals victories, you’ve got exactly half the league’s fans that, at some point, have had their season end at the hands of LeBron—at least once. No wonder he has so many haters.

He has never missed a playoff game. Ever.

And then there’s the aforementioned seven (and counting) straight finals. It is a feat that will almost certainly never be replicated in modern basketball. Bill Russel’s Celtics competed in a league with 8, 9, 10, and finally 12 teams. Today, there are 30. The NBA playoffs in the ‘60s lasted three rounds, not four.

His greatest playoff achievement, though, came last June, when he brought Cleveland its first pro sports championship in over 50 years, as the Cavs became the first team in finals history to overcome a 3-1 deficit, and did it against a Warriors team that had just set an NBA record with 73 regular season wins. In the deciding game seven, LeBron joined Jerry West and James Worthy as the only players to triple double in a finals game seven, adding to a list of otherworldly game seven performances. For the series, he matched his 2015 finals performance by again leading all players in points, rebounds, and assists, this time also leading all players in steals and blocks, just for good measure, as he was voted the unanimous MVP of the series.

Read that last paragraph again. Yikes.

The victory for the Cavs, as we all know, led to the Warriors acquiring another MVP, and left the NBA world waiting a year for the teams to meet again; a wait that is almost, finally, mercifully, over. The Cavs will be underdogs. Again. Two MVPs? Four All-Stars? If anyone can do it, it’s LeBron.

Even if the Warriors become the unstoppable force we all thought they would be when they signed Durant, it seems unlikely they can make their roster work financially for more than a couple seasons, which gives the Cavs several years of mid-thirties LeBron to get another title or two after the Warriors core dissolves. Or maybe LeBron, Kyrie Irving, and an ever-more-comfortable Kevin Love can take out the Warriors as is.

Or maybe the Warriors figure out how to get everyone paid and contented, and rattle off four straight championships in dominant fashion, leaving LeBron at 36, and then the Cavs are unable to assemble enough pieces around late-thirties LeBron, and he never gets another title. Does this automatically disqualify him from the title of GOAT?

No.

Either way, LeBron has work to do. He hasn’t caught Jordan. Jordan’s six championships in six finals appearances is an accomplishment so massive it will take many massive accomplishments by LeBron to top it. And projections are just that; projections. These things can change quickly. Tiger Woods seemed destined to take down to Jack Nicklaus’ major record before it all fell apart. I was on top of the world at Enron, and now all I’ve got is a fake gold watch.

But I get the feeling LeBron isn’t going the way of Tiger or my 401(k). There’s something about him, something surrounding him, that can’t be bottled and sold, can’t be taught, and can’t be learned. He’s got

THE AURA

The aura; you know, shit like this:

I said there were two categories to measuring greatness, the winning and the numbers. I lied. There’s a third category, an intangible one; the aura, the legend left in your wake, the tell-your-grandkids-you-saw factor, the empire.

The aura can be in moments on the court, or patented plays, that become folded into the archetype of basketball lore. There’s Wilt’s 100-point game, Jordan’s tongue wagging, his game-winners as Craig Ehlo collapsed to the floor, and as Bryon Russell looked on helplessly. There’s Kareem’s hook shot, his astounding collegiate career at UCLA. Magic started at center. Jerry West is the logo. Oscar Robertson was (is?) Mr. Triple Double. Pete Maravich had flare not of his time. Julius Erving went up and under the backboard. Hakeem’s fadeaway. Young Arvydas Sabonis trapped in the USSR. Bill Russell’s 11 championship rings.

LeBron has the chase down block, culminating in The Block. He has 25 straight points against the Pistons. He has no regard for human life.

The aura is also the effect off the court, or to use the most nauseating word in the English language, the brand. It is almost impossible to overstate LeBron’s worth to an ever-more-global league of 30 teams. LeBron arrived in the NBA in 2003. In 2004, the Atlanta Hawks sold for $208 million. In 2002, the Boston Celtics sold for $360 million. According to 2017 Forbes estimates, the average team is now worth $1.36 billion, with the Knicks topping the list at $3.3 billion. Yeah, the fucking Knicks.

Don’t tell me LeBron, the best player on the planet for over a decade, doesn’t have an incredible amount to do with that value increase. LaVar Ball would probably say The King is worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $100 billion. And he might be right, but the first rule about LaVar Ball is we don’t talk about LaVar Ball.

Jordan, of course, skyrocketed the NBA to new levels of popularity and profit as well. There was the iconic Air Jordans, the ads with Spike Lee. He still rakes in over $100 million a year from Nike. He owns the Charlotte Bobcats and has a vast business empire. And, most importantly, there’s his appearance in Space Jam.

LeBron has his own iconic ads, The LeBrons. He has a lifetime contract with Nike worth somewhere between $500 million to $1 billion, give or take a few nations. He produces movies and TV shows, and has numerous other investments. The King’s appearance in Trainwreck proved, if nothing else, his acting skills surpass those of His Airness, though neither LeBron or Jordan can touch the GOAT NBA movie performance of all time, Ray Allen in He Got Game.

Honorable mention to Shaq, because he played a genie, a superhero, and himself in Jack and Jill, the most underrated film in the history of the universe, not to go all Bill Walton on you.

Before the empire, there was the expectations; impossible, unfathomable expectations since he was a teenager, since he appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated as a junior in high school with the headline, “The Chosen One” followed by countless more magazine covers, including at age 20 another SI cover asking the simple question; “Best Ever?” Prior to his third season, Nike launched a massive “We are Witnesses” campaign celebrating 21-year-old LeBron.

LeBron's story was so perfect it wrote itself; raised by a single mother just down the road from Cleveland in Akron, the first two-time Mr. Basketball USA since Lew Alcindor, taken by the Cavs with the first pick at the age of 18, a working class city that had one of the longest championship droughts in pro sports history. The Chosen One to the rescue. All this kid had to do was turn into one of the greatest basketball players ever and bring home a title.

Somehow, he exceeded those expectations.

And he did it all under an intensely-watchful public eye. While coming out of high school allowed for more NBA seasons at a younger age, LeBron missed the incubation period college affords. Many have cracked in situations much further from the spotlight, much less pressure-packed, than LeBron’s. In fact, there have only been three players taken with the top pick out of high school. Not Kobe; he was a late lottery pick and didn’t start until his third season. Not Kevin Garnett, who was the fifth pick by Minnesota. Not Robert Swift—why would you guess Robert Swift? It’s Dwight Howard, Kwame Brown, and LeBron. That’s it.

Even without the pressure of the top pick, many straight out of high school stars have busted, unable to adjust and grow up so quickly. Many more have burned out after a fast start to their careers. LeBron could have gone the way of Shawn Kemp or Amar’e Stoudemire, or more recently Dwight Howard, who although he managed to kick his 24 chocolate bar a day habit, has lately started playin’ like Erick Dampier. Kevin Garnett and Moses Malone are the only other players in NBA history who made the leap from high school to pro ball, were immediately thrown into the fire, and managed to sustain success well into their thirties.

And besides the business empire, what about the rest of The King’s off-court GOATness? The American fairy tale continues. He married his high school sweetheart. He has three children, and presents himself as a family man. Their house has a white picket fence and a brand-new GE dishwasher, the dishwasher that pre-rinses.

In an age of hyper-scrutiny and social media, LeBron has never slipped up; never got a DUI, even a speeding ticket, never been spotted coming out of a strip club at five AM the morning of a big game. Maybe he does all that shit and more. I don’t know. If so, double congrats for keeping it on lockdown.

If it were only the stats, only the awards and championships, it is a career that would be remarkable. But to do it with the weight of his hometown, the expectations of the basketball world, on his shoulders is nothing short of miraculous. The King has spun a tale for the basketball ages. And he’s still spinning, just like his brand new Easy washing machine.

What an appliance.

SO, LET'S END THIS

with a little game of, who am I?

I made 10 consecutive trips to the NBA finals. I am a five-time NBA champion, five-time finals MVP, four-time league MVP, 18-time All-Star, 13-time first-team All-NBA selection. I am the NBA’s all-time leading scorer, third all-time in assists. I have logged the most seasons, games, and minutes of any player in NBA history. I am the all-time leader in playoff points, assists, steals, and games. I starred in Space Jam 2.

Who am I?

Now, take away two of those five championships, change that number to three. Leave everything else the same.

Who am I?

That’s right. I’m that same dude.

But I wouldn’t get too invested in the second version, or too invested in anything that involves picking against The King. Best save your time and money for something more sensible, like buying all the hot dogs you can, storing them in a deep freezer, and waiting for demand to skyrocket as the polar bears descend upon us.