I’m like you. I buy from Amazon all the time. Part of that lovely slice of “if I think too hard this feels dirty but, fuck, what am I supposed to do” Americana. And if you just thought, “Not me, I don’t do those things,” this is a gentle reminder that you live here, you have blood on your hands, you have done something. Admit it and move on like the rest of us.
So here we are: New York City just lit its skyline red in honor of Target, the mayor of Kansas City purchased 1,000 Big Macs from McDonald’s and left 1,000 five-star reviews, and a crowd of Ottawans (not the Canadians!) used a break in an NHL game to cheer T-Mobile. The real kicker? The companies didn't pay for the promotion.
No, that didn’t happen. That would be absurd!
50,000 jobs. $100,000 salaries. Nice, round numbers. The future. Let us be part of it, dear Amazon. We are shiny and hip. And we want big, glass balls.
Or, please, go somewhere depressed (they won’t, but it’s nice to watch you beg) like Detroit, or West Virginia coal mining country, or Gary, Indiana, and lead our dark city toward the light.
Ignore those with reservations, for they know not what they speak. With your help, your infinite wisdom, we will coo Ave Maria.
We’ll even give you sandwiches.
Of course, Amazon isn’t a global company that recruits talent, right? You think they're Uncle Joe’s fucking auto shop who wants to hire Stevie because he lives a short bus ride away and Uncle Joe doesn’t like folks punchin' in late? Soon 50,000 little Stevie's will buy their Ma a Ford Fusion and have health insurance that covers acupuncture!
Or at least Stevie will serve sandwiches to those people for a while before he moves out to the metastasized urban sprawl when the cost of living quadruples and he grows so weary of the choking commute that he breaks his television, resulting in hours of boredom before a new one can be purchased.
Or at least Stevie will serve sandwiches to those people for a while before he moves out to the metastasized urban sprawl when the cost of living quadruples and he grows so weary of the choking commute that he breaks his television, resulting in hours of boredom before a new one can be purchased.
That’s all we meant when we said progress. We were talking geography. This patch of ground will have more wealth on it than it did before.
Jobs. Wonderful, soul-sucking jobs. (Remember 100 years ago in 2015 when Amazon “recently became the most valuable retailer in the country”?)
Grovel. Give us free publicity. Give us $7 billion in tax incentives. Obey.
Yes, Master.
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