Cesspool Awards Primer

The Cesspool managed to turn out quite a few good movies in 2017! 

In honor of the upcoming Cesspool Awards, here is every 2017 movie I've seen. To call this a “primer” is actually a misnomer, because I recommend you simply read it and save yourself four hours of miserable Hollywood self-indulgence this Sunday. 

Doesn't include docs, because there's a fair amount I've missed and I didn't want to rank the two genres side-by-side anyway.

First: an acknowledgement of films I still intend to see:

All the Money in the World

Thelma
The Other Side of Hope

In the Fade (Aus dem Nichts)

Happy End

Nocturama

Lost in London (no idea if I'll ever find it)

Second: THE MAIN EVENT, those seen, ranked:

1) The Death of Stalin

Armando Iannucci (In the Loop) strikes again. A whole series of movies with this cast lampooning horrific history, please.

2) Columbus

Blown away by the cinematography and use of setting from Kogonada, a first-time writer/director/editor who (not unpredictably) worked previously as a visual artist. And always love me some John Cho.

3) The Square

Amused me in ways I didn't realize I could be amused.

4) Dunkirk

Best theater experience in recent memory.

5) Phantom Thread

Meticulous as Sir Daniel Day-Lewis, startling, at times hilarious. At age 47, the PT Anderson canon is getting right up there with Kubrick, Lynch, Herzog, Billy Wilder, and the Coen Brothers for greatest writer/directors to ever do it.

6) My Happy Family (Chemi Bednieri Ojakhi)

Elegantly captures a woman trying to break free of patriarchal oppression and family tradition in present-day Georgian society, yes, but also more universally captures the personality of those who insist they have your best interests at heart when in reality they are only vying for control.

7) The Big Sick

Could have shaved the length, still very funny.

8) Get Out

Nice!

9) Good Time

Robert Pattinson makes you completely forget about Twilight. Nothing beats some dark, sleazy realism.

10) Call Me by Your Name

Lovely shots of idyllic northern Italian towns and sunny countryside, a sparse yet pleasing soundtrack, and great acting, especially Michael Stuhlbarg, who continues to pile up the diverse and compelling performances. Condensing the complexities of the character relationships down from the novel is probably an impossible task, and this movie does an admirable job in that department as well.

11) The Shape of Water

The opening fairy tale monologue had me dreaming of Pans Labyrinth and I was hooked.

12) The Florida Project

Started feeling a bit long in the middle, but truly a unique movie with impressive acting from unknown players. Best ending of the year.

13) Detroit

Initially a little sprawling, wasn’t sure which characters to latch onto. Then the Algiers Motel scene began, and Kathryn Bigelow focused in and went full Zero Dark Thirty bin Laden-raid mode, and I was gripped and couldn’t look away.

14) Loving Vincent
Having "watched" van Gogh paintings in an altered state, this brilliant animation recreated that experience to a T.

15) Blade Runner 2049

Can do!

16) The Polka King

If Jack Black doesn’t make you giggle, ya giggle bone broke.

17) Lady Bird

A coming-of-age movie with strong acting and excellent details to tie it all together. Thoroughly enjoyable, nothing extraordinary or groundbreaking.

18) Patti Cakes

Bridget Everett should be in more things.

19) Okja

Tilda Swinton is on one. Heart-breaking. Good thing this didn’t take place exclusively in the United States, pretty sure most of the cast would have been slaughtered in a blaze of gunfire at about minute 48.

20) Loveless (Nelyubov)

Damn, that was harsh. Superb filmmaking.

21) The Disaster Artist

Worth it just for the details about the true story, many laugh-out-loud moments. James Franco got jacked!!

22) Logan Lucky (not to be confused with 2017 titles Logan or Lucky)

Surprisingly intricate heist, surprisingly entertaining. They shoot money through tubes underneath NASCAR stadiums???

23) Coco

Pixar has been more misses than hits lately. This one’s a hit.

24) Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Engrossing, engaging, could have used more crimefighting, detectiving,

25) T2 Trainspotting

It had been a while since watching the original, and at times I found myself grasping for straws deciphering what was what. But a worthy sequel to a landmark film that does nothing to tarnish the original.

26) The Beguiled

Bonus points for a 90-minute production, which seems to be going the way of the buffalo.

27) The Post

Is there a reason 15 of Tom Hanks’ last 17 movies have been based on either a novel or real-life events? Can we get some original, made-for-the-screen, completely fictional Tom Hanks, please?

28) Super Dark Times

Kids on bikes getting into trouble, with a twist!

29) Brigsby Bear

Child trapped in a bunker for years, with a lighthearted twist!

30) Of Body and Soul (Testrol es lelekrol)

When the opening shot of snow-covered forest popped onto the screen, I muttered "oh hell yeah" to myself. 

31) Mudbound

The title delivers; very muddy. Good drama. Never been a big fan of the flash-forward opening scene that the entire movie meanders back toward, and this is no exception.

32) Darkest Hour

The title delivers; very low light. Always enjoy Gary Oldman, guess he learned from Colin Firth that a solid path to a Cesspool nomination is a World War II-era British leader biopic. Sort of strange crossing of worlds between this, The King’s Speech, and Dunkirk.

33) Ingrid Goes West

The commentary on social media and mental illness is pretty well-done. Humorous, and also so dark that Aubrey Plaza makes you forget you have a crush on her.

34) The Little Hours

Funny. Cute. John C. Reilly. Aubrey Plaza reminding you about that crush, if you’re into nuns.

35) Lady Macbeth

Goes to some sinister, based-on-an-old-Russian-story places.

36) I, Tonya

Mockumentary style is a good route for a story with so many sides, though had a decidedly pro-Tonya slant. Historically accurate or not, the depiction of the Kerrigan plot and Shawn were the highpoints. Might break the record for most classic rock songs ever crammed into one movie.

37) The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected)

Noah Bambauch, New York, etc.

38) Lucky

Outside of cameos, only David Lynch’s second appearance as an actor in a feature film (you’ve probably never seen the other one) and a swan song for 90-year-old, and now-deceased, Harry Dean Stanton; playing a “90-year-old atheist,” as the movie dubs it. It’s impossible to watch and not think of Paris, Texas. It’s also hard to tell when Mr. Harry Dean is acting and what is just happening because he’s so old and worn out. And he could give a fuck. RIP.

In Memoriam, a lovely exchange from a recording of the Doug Loves Movies podcast in which, for bizarre and unknown reasons, 87-year-old Harry Dean came on to chat:

Jen Kirkman: "My favorite John Hughes movie is "Pretty in Pink." You played Molly Ringwald's dad. Do you have an opinion of who she should have ended up with? She did end up with Blane, the rich guy. A lot of people think she should have ended up with her best friend Ducky. Are you happy with how they ended the movie with her ending up with Blane, as her dad?"

Harry Dean Stanton: "... I don't give a fuck." 

39) The Villainess (Ak-Nyeo)
Clever camera work, badass action. So many tears from the protagonist surprised she didn't turn into a raisin. Better have your paying attention cap on, and even then you're probably gonna get confused.

40) Beach Rats
The casting director must have dredged Brighton Beach to find this ragtag supporting crew. How do these shitheads not even know how to get weed?

41) Wind River

Disturbing. Visually striking. However, had higher hopes for the writer of Sicario and Hell or High Water; not enough mystery or twists in the investigation around which the plot revolves.

42) Atomic Blonde
Fun watching Charlize Theron kick ass and get out of dire situations, but for whatever reason I couldn't always follow how/why she got into said situations. John Goodman lookin' good though! After Inside Llewyn Davis I had almost written him off for dead.

43) Landline

Agreeable cast, agreeable throwback setting of ‘90s New York City. Watched this a few months ago and can’t remember many details, so that tells you something.

44) The Glass Castle

Leans heavily on the “based on a true story” awe factor. But, damn, that lady had a really messed up childhood!

45) A Fantastic Woman (Una Mujer Fantastica)

The main character floats through a series of enraging encounters, and I got little sense of who she is besides a good singer.

46) The Killing of a Sacred Deer

Okay, the one kid is a devil-boy, so he talks like a psycho. Does everyone have to talk that way? And the IMDB blurb describes Colin Farrell as a “charismatic” surgeon? HUH?

47) 20^th Century Women

Basically if the kid from Almost Famous never went anywhere and the life lessons came to his house. And I don’t think I’m saying that just because mustachioed Billy Crudup is in both movies.

48) Gifted

Chris Evans (or is that Chris Pine? Or Chris Hemsworth?) reprises Ryan Gosling’s role in Blue Valentine as the charmingly handsome man in a blue-collar job despite a sharp intellect who drinks a little too much and admirably acts as guardian and caretaker to a young girl for whom he’s not the biological father. Some of the courtroom scenes were pretty silly.

49) The Lost City of Z

Too family-friendly, needed more of a Fitzcarraldo vibe.

50) Molly’s Game

140 minutes?? So much narration it almost felt like listening to the audio book. The passing remark disparaging Mack Robinson “becoming a janitor” after finishing second to Jesse Owens was so off-base I almost stopped watching.

51) Brawl in Cell Block 99

Haha Don Johnson. The shootout scene that set the main plot in motion was corny. Same goes for much of the dialogue, such as Vince Vaughn's long-winded discussion of how he always happens to pick the skim milk thermos at the gas station store even though he wants the whole milk as a metaphor for his unlucky life.

52) Sandy Wexler

Bad, as anticipated, and I don’t regret watching it. Adam Sandler vehicles 4life, Click and I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry notwithstanding. Oh, and 50 First Dates, and Anger Management. Rest is gold. Perhaps not You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.

53) Downsizing

This was going better than expected, then it wasn’t. Also, how is a tiny boat not gonna get destroyed by some little wave or wind or something?

54) Band Aid

Fred Armisen’s first scene might have made me laugh harder than anything in 2017. The latter third of the movie took itself wayyy too seriously.

55) I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore

Genre and tone confused, and I usually like genre benders.

56) The Lovers

Reasonably interesting character development/acting combo and an “oh it’s that sad girl from Magnolia!” moment kept my attention. Appreciated the unexpectedly dark ending.

57) Bad Genius (Chalard Games Goeng)

The main girl's friend had funny facial expressions. Excessive slow-mo shots. Weird/lame ending.

58) The Hero

Sam Elliot talking about chicken is the only real highlight, but it’s a pretty good highlight. Maybe the most boring mushroom trip scene in the history of cinema.

59) Baby Driver

Never got into any of the characters, especially Jaime Foxx and Kevin Spacey. Heists weren’t exciting or complex.

60) Mother!

After Jennifer Lawrence didn’t tell Ed Harris to get the fuck out after the first night, I chose to view the rest of the movie as a “this is what happens when you’re not assertive” morality tale. For the star power/name recognition Javier Bardem enjoys, he really hasn’t been in many great movies.

61) On the Beach at Night Alone (Bamui haebyun-eoseo honja)

Boring. Really boring.

62) Professor Marston and the Wonder Women

Gotta love a psychologist biopic; you get Hollywood versions of history and psychology! Also includes: a plot so lacking in tension it almost doesn’t exist, and an attempt to reconcile this fact with a flash-forward framing device that seemed only to serve the purpose of squeezing in Oliver Platt.

63) Song to Song (only made it about an hour)

The cinematography (of course) is stellar and it gets props for experimental elements and the sheer amount of work that must have gone into filming everything. Just couldn’t get into the style of the storytelling, and everything is so damn melancholy. Hadn’t watched any Terrence Malick since The Thin Red Line, and probably won’t be checking out any of his other work from this century I passed over.

64) Permanent (only made it about an hour)

Meant to finish this, then I just… didn’t. Patricia Arquette has funny clothing, Rainn Wilson does a decent Dwight Schrute impersonation, the rest of the acting is bad enough to frequently distract.  

65) A Quiet Passion (only made it about 45 mins)
The director seems to have forgotten that a camera can move, and the acting is as wooden as a PBS reenactment. 

66) Marjorie Prime

When you’re in the mood to get depressed and not entertained, put this one on.

67) Girls Trip (only made it about 20 mins)

The presence of Jada Pinkett Smith immediately makes any scene unfunny. Same goes for Queen Latifah, in a less offensive way. The most amusing bit I saw was the four stars (ages 46, 46, 45, and 37) supposedly being 22 years old in a college graduation flashback. I also chuckled when Tiffany Haddish beat the shit out of her co-worker for eating her Go-Gurt, and I imagine she inspires a few more laughs, but after the second selfie stick “party” I was out.

68) Brad’s Status

Maaan, shut the hell up, Ben Stiller. The on-location shots of Boston and a sprinkling of college nostalgia kept me from turning it off.

69) Last Flag Flying (only made it about 45 mins)

Laurence Fishburne playing himself if he had survived Apocalypse Now couldn’t save it. Those who like public service announcements will love this.

70) The Only Living Boy in New York (only made it about 20 mins)

Dreadful. Miserable. Come for the cliché takes on modern New York City, leave for the cliché takes on growing up as a privileged white boy.

Third: other (relatively) new movies I watched recently that you should too, ranked:

1) Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Can’t recommend enough.

2) Winter Sleep (Kis Uykusu) 

Fucking fantastic, though requires three hours of intense focus for a subtitled movie heavy on dialogue. Phenomenal scenery.

3) Brooklyn

Moving to another country back in the day was a big deal.

4) Anomalisa

Truly bizarre, yet very watchable.

5) The Handmaiden (Ah-ga-ssi)

Terrific cinematography. Plot twists abound. Don’t turn it on if your grandma is around.

6) I, Daniel Blake

Well-done, incredibly bleak, contemporary British realism.

7) Nocturnal Animals

Twisted.

8) Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

If you like Walk Hard and That’s My Boy (and why the fuck wouldn’t you??) you will like this.

9) Elle

Just what exactly is going through Isabelle Huppert’s disturbed, dirty mind?

10) Slow West

A nice addition to the Western genre.

11) Theeb

Desertscapes get me.

12) Certain Women

Sharp in appearance and writing. Vignettes are not for everyone.

13) Paterson

Jim Jarmusch experiments with a (small) plot again!

14) Enemy

If I feel the urge to read about a movie afterwards, that usually means it was worth the time.

15) Everybody Wants Some!!

When you’re in the mood for some 1980 wistfulness and amusing college party scenes.

Very Special Bonus Round: Black Mirror: USS Callister

While near movie length, doesn’t count as a movie, I guess, but one of the coolest, craziest things I’ve seen in a while.

Finally: 2018 movies, vaguely ranked in the order I’m excited about them. Inevitably some of these will be terrible. For now they’re on the list!

Annihilation – Alex Garland’s first movie since Ex Machina.

Sicario 2: Soldado – Sicario sequel, ‘nuff said

Roma – 1970s Mexico City, Alfonso Cuaron

The Happytime Murders – R-rated puppets, Melissa McCarthy, Maya Rudolph

Sweet Country – The Australians know how to do Westerns (see: The Proposition)

Holmes and Watson – Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, Ralph Fiennes

Galveston – Dying hitman plotting revenge

Hold the Dark – Alaskan wilderness tracking

Mute – Sci-fi thriller, search for a missing person

Leave No Trace – A father and a daughter try and live in a “vast urban park” in Portland, Oregon; Debra Granik’s first feature since Winter’s Bone

Isle of Dogs – Wes Anderson

Red Sparrow – Jennifer Lawrence, Russian spies, ballerinas

The Week Of – Adam Sandler, Steve Buscemi, and Chris Rock in the Robert Smigel directorial debut

Rio – Call Me by Your Name director, crime mystery, Michelle Williams, Benedict Cumberbatch

Thoroughbreds – Uppercrust Connecticut girls gonna do some bad shit

Bad Times at the El Royale – Mysterious plot, “set in 1960s dilapidated hotel,” Russell Crowe, Jeff Bridges

I Feel Pretty – “A head injury causes a woman to develop an extraordinary amount of confidence and believe she’s drop-dead gorgeous”

Puzzle – A suburban mother gets obsessed with puzzles

Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-it Ralph 2 – First one was great

Paddington 2 – First one was great

Backseat – Christian Bale as Dick Cheney

The Seagull –Saoirse Ronan, Chekhov

Mary Queen of Scots –Saoirse Ronan, Margot Robbie

On Chesil Beach – Saoirse Ronan, Emily Watson

Sweetness in the Belly – Saoirse Ronan, London

The Outsider – Post-WWII Japan, Yakuza

Damsel – Western, my new best friend Robert Pattinson

Unsane – Steven Soderbergh thriller shot on an iPhone

I Think We’re Alone Now – Peter Dinklage in full-on Station Agent mode

Lean on Pete – Horses, Steve Buscemi

Sorry to Bother You – Sci-Fi Oakland, Armie Hammer

The Vanishing of Sydney Hall – “Sydney Hall finds accidental success and unexpected love at an early age, then disappears without a trace”

Widows – Steve McQueen, Liam Neeson

You Were Never Really Here – Based on a Jonathan Ames (Bored to Death) novel, Joaquin Phoenix

Oceans 8 – This might actually suck

Assassination Nation – This also might actually suck

Blindspotting – “A buddy comedy in a world that won’t let it be one”

Colette – Cool hat on the cover

Private Life – Tamara Jenkins’ two other moves are The Savages and The Slums of Beverly Hills

American Animals – Dumb guys trying to pull off a heist

Where’d You Go, Bernadette – Richard Linklater directs Kristen Wiig, and hopefully he has burned Last Flag Flying and moved on

Half Magic – Heather Graham writing/directorial debut

Hearts Beat Loud – Nick Offerman, Ted Danson

Wildlife – If Paul Dano can write and direct half as well as he can act, this will be good

An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn – Aubrey Plaza, Jemaine Clement

The Irishman – Scorsesee teams up with Netflix

Extracurricular Activities – I don’t remember why this is on my list

The Guilty – Foreign thriller

Judy – Renee Zellweger as Judy Garland in her final months