Power Rankings: HBO Shows

#1 Robin: Game of Thrones

It’s almost always a bloodbath when it comes to your matchup. And even when it looks like you’re dead (stashing injured players, down in the standings) somehow you rise again. Peter Dinklage (Trae Young) may be the littlest guy in the league, but casting him is paying dividends greater than even the most optimistic exec could have anticipated. Surely, when this season is over, you’ll be back to dominate prequels, and sequels, and spinoffs, and anything else you can get your greedy, fantasy-power-hungry hands on.

#2 Jake: Curb Your Enthusiasm

Old reliable Jake. Hey, it’s me, been doing this for decades now. If they made me a namesake sandwich it would be packed with whitefish and sable. So gimme some LaMarcus Aldridge (Ted Danson), Kyle Lowry (Jeff Garlin), mix in some other characters you probably won’t see many other places (Tristan Thompson, Jeremy Lamb, and PJ Tucker as Richard Lewis, Susie Essman, and JB Smoove), and you’re bound to have a good show(ing). Almost certainly not gonna be the best show of the season, at least lately, but you’ll be good. And isn’t good, good enough?

#3 D Mo: True Blood 

Significant portions of your existence (free agent pickups, group texts) often occur in the dead of night when most humans sleep. Your ways of life (team names) are often comprehensible only to others of your kind. For centuries, you just sucked, but this season it looks like you might be coming for blood. Either way, best be wary of those closest to you, because your star player (Lillard) relishes the chance to drive a stake into the heart of those who cross him.

#4 Me: The John Oliver Show

When I'm on, it's oh so good. But this is supposed to be a weekly game, and my team checked out in late November and won't be back until... February? What the fuck is that! How am I supposed to soothe my mind with comedy in these dark times (stay near the top of the standings) until then? If and when I finally do return to form, it might be too late to save my darkened, hardened soul (win the league). If that's the case, the rest of you, and everyone else on this fucked up planet, can eat shit.

#5 Ries: The Sopranos

You've apparently forgiven them for moving their crew to NYC, and are riding that formerly New Jersey wave (Spencer Dinwiddie, Jarret Allen) to a nice run of recent success. You also roster the only Italian in the league. A few capos got wounded early, but now they're back looking for revenge. You could climb even higher if DeRozan ever learns to properly use his gun (shoot threes). Just remember that staying alive is always precarious when it comes to The Family, and you've got a few sitting ducks who might not make it to the finale (Embiid, Morant, Carter Jr., Gallo).

#6 Celly: Big Little Lies

A cast of incredible star power (Giannis, Luka, D Rose), but dig a little deeper, and is it just a sexy veil to cover an inept plot? (Hello! They can go to the police at any point! They are not in trouble! They are rich white people with no criminal history! They will be fine!!!!) Maybe this team can figure it out and make a run to relevancy, or maybe this season will just be one long, drawn-out slog to the bottom, masked by idyllic cinematography (Luka triple doubles) and incredibly catchy music (Giannis monster dunks).

 #7 CJG: Silicon Valley

Sometimes you channel real brilliance and wit (drafting Ingram and Adebayo, picking up Graham), and sometimes the jokes fall flat on their face and the social commentary is tired and lame (drafting Rozier and Randle, allowing Rob to have Harden again). You’ve been around for many, many episodes now, and, really, how many times can you almost take over the world? It seems you’ve tweaked the algorithm and no longer shoot for 300+ rebounds per week, but it may need further tweaking before you reach the top.

#8: Nar: The Larry Sanders Show

It’s been a while since the glory days. But, man, weren’t the glory days something? Look at young Sharon Stone! (Having Kevin Durant was incredible!) Even Peter Falk is in this?! (Remember that Hassan Whiteside breakout-year pickup tho?!) However, your jokes still land, and audiences would be a fool to not take you seriously (Ayton back soon and you’re getting healthy).

 #9 Joey: The Righteous Gemstones

You're new -- well sort of, we've all seen you around (third show in the McBride angry white man trilogy) -- but you’re not here to just hang out. You’re here to fuck shit up. Maybe things get a little dark when you ran over some poor bastards in an SUV (dropping Draymond Green), but it's hard not to laugh, and maybe that wasn't such a bad idea. Maybe. Everyone's glad you got Lonzo back on your team (cast Walton Goggins again). But, certainly, followers of these preachers are fools, as despite your impressive assets (Drummond, Siakam, Zion, Collins) anyone one with a discerning eye can see you don't really know what game you're playing; you still haven't figured out to use your IR spot. Still, we can't wait to see what you might come up with next.

#10 Melissa: Eastbound and Down

The former champ-yooon has been relegated to making appearances at car dealerships and playing down in Mexico, and all signs say you’re not taking it too well. This year is fucking bullshit! Where’s my fucking jet skis!! Even Stevie (Steph), the sidekick you thought you could trust, has forced you to fire him. Hey, at least in the end you get to bang April (Carlos), the hottest piece of ass on the planet.